Reading people’s tumblrs makes me feel like a stalker O_O.  Its interesting the way people cope with things or express their emotions.  Some of them express them well, write well.  >< I wish I could write well.  Some people express themselves in very public ways.  I think tumblr is a very exhibitionist medium for expressing yourself, however.  I’ve always thought that diaries are supposed to be private things, things you hide under your bed or behind a brick in your wall.  Blogging is different… Well here I am on a “blog” however, expressing my emotions ><. Ew. Emotions.  Private blog for me.  With a public name T_T.  Well I don’t feel like transferring all my shit.  I’m like this too.. something else that I hate - oh well - that people think they are the center of other people’s universe.  Then they feel the need to express their emotions about this publicly.  Please.  Keep it to yourself. I think tumblr is just a very selfish and self centered way of expressing yourself.  Like status messages, away messages, etc.  You talk about yourself, want people to read about you, whatever.  Keep it in.  Keep it all in.  Some things are ok.  Its when you start seeking the attention that it gets annoying.  Expressing your emotions is one thing, expressing them dramatically is another.  OHWELL.

Anyway.  What made me sign onto tumblr was something I read about loss and coping with death.  How some people can find peace with the death of a loved one, while other people remain bitter about the past and can’t find reconciliation with themselves.  I fall into the latter category.  But I’m just bitter about everything anyway.  Its been almost 3 years now that you’ve passed mom.  I just don’t think about it.  It makes me bitter that we were robbed of everything.  Mother’s day just passed.  Looking back to previous blog entries…I haven’t lived up to all my promises to you.  I’m still getting into trouble and doing things that would not make you proud.  That’s something I’ll have to live with.  But really, I wish we had time when you were on this earth to form some kind of bond or relationship. I’m bitter at victoria who took away all the time that was meant for mother and daughter… I wish I didn’t distance myself from you when times were hard.  I was a terrible daughter.  We clashed on victoria’s upbringing, and I’m sorry I’m so stubborn.  I’m just sad, more bitter as I grow older, that we never had this time.  THe time where I’m an adult and we can sit and talk about grown up things.  About what its like getting a job, what its like getting a home, being on your own, marriage, dating, etc.  So many times I’ve thought to myself, this is when I would talk to my mom.  This is somethign I would talk to my mom about.  I’m being selfish.  I know you’re in a better place.  I’m not religious or anything, but seriously I think death is better than here.  I know that the last years of your life were hell.  Its something me and dad can’t truly forgive victoria for.  But we know we should.  I’m beginning to forget what it was like to have a mom.  Looking at people, envious of their relationships.  I’m sorry for being terrible daughter. i’m even more sorry for not forming these bonds when I should have.  don’t put off tomorrow what you could today.  Tell everyone you love them because you don’t know if you’ll see them later.