anxiety attack.  Or something.  I think I literally hate myself.  These periods of self loathing are getting more and more frequent.  Or maybe there’s just more to loath recently.  I don’t understand why I’m such a fuck up.  I ruin everything around me with me.  or I taint everything I touch.  I’m just a fuck up.  I’m a fuck up. I’m a fuck up.  And everything is terrible forever.  What I want from life is to be happy, to be stable, to be constant, to have fun?  But fun for me is chaotic, unstable, shit.  I can’t control myself. With my bad habits, with my addictions, with my urges, or my emotions.  The way I feel about things constantly changes.  I’m fickle. I’m moody.  I’m emotional.  I get attached quickly and then the next day those feelings won’t be there anymore.  I get distracted.  These are all qualities I hate about myself, they are potentially life ruining.  Well no, not potentially.  I have ruined so many things for myself with this.  When I say I need someone to take care of me, what  I need is someone to control me.  To be my conscience because I don’t think I have one, or its voice is drowned out by my urges or impulses.  I embarrass myself.  EVERY DAY. I DO.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.  All the things I hate in other people are also in myself.  I”M EMBARASSING.  I don’t understand why I CANT KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL.  I don’t want to be around other people when… xyz.  I don’t think people want to be around me either.  I Don’t want to be around me.  I don’t want to be around me.  And it makes me sick that I have to be.  I may dislike a great number of people, but i’ll always hate myself the most.  what’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I be a good person?  Why don’t I have the qualities that I admire in other people?  Why wasn’t I born that way, why despite my efforts do I act the way I do.  Self control seems to be the answer to ALL of my problems.  But I just don’t have it.  Catch-22.  How do you control yourself when you have no control.  More than just embarassing myself, I hurt other people.  I*’ve tried to be better about that.  Cut the people I care about out of my life so that I don’t harm them.  Rich, I know that I would hurt you if we continued this relationship.  So I cut you out.  I’m sorry, but it was for your own good.  I can’t just keep ruining you.  With your entire life, how yo’ve alwways gotten a bad deal, I just can’t keep messing things up for you.  With x, i’m sorry I can’t even type your name because of the shame.  Maybe in a different time, or a different place, no, never.  Can’t.  I’m sorry for feeling the way I do.  don’t enable me to.  Because I can’t help myself.  With every other person in my life, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I just don’t want me to do this.  I’m bad. I’m a bad person. I can’t help it.  No excuses.  No worries.  just cut me out too.  I’ll dissapear.  I wish i had the courage to disappaer.  Or the self control to just leave.  To go. To stop. I wish I cold make it all stop. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.  I Can’t.  Someone told me to write this shit out, it’ll make you feel better.  Does it? At least it keeps the anxiety under control.  At least I’m typing with my hands instead of other things.  Self harm for me is a punishment.  I deserve to feel pain.  And it serves as a reminder to me of my mortality.  Scars remind me of my mistakes, with the hopes that I won’t make the same ones.  Too bad. That doesn’t seem to work.  whats wrong with me.  Why was I born.  I wish I wasn’t born.