Dear mom,

Hi, its me Alex.  I hope you’re having fun up in heaven.  I hope you made it there okay and didn’t miss your ride up like I always do.  I’ve been thinking a lot about you and its driving me crazy.  You don’t know how much I miss you and how much everyone’s hurting right now.  The pain is pretty much unimaginable, but I guess God has a plan for all of us, right?  I know you would want us to be happy right now, not sad, but its so hard.  I bet you’re pretty mad at us for letting you die not looking your best, but you know hospitals.  Anyway, all our family is here keeping Dad company.  He really is hurting too, but Dad is Dad and he won’t show it really.  Victoria is pretty much the same too so don’t worry about her.  I went into your room earlier and it made me miss you so much.  All your clothing is hanging in the closet and your side of the bed is all made up and I think it will probably stay that way for a long time.  I saw all your favorite shirts and it just made me remember so much about you.  You know how I never delete  my voice mail and you always yell at me for my mailbox being full?  I went through it and found some old voicemails you left me.  It was so good to hear your voice, but it hurt so bad knowing that I’ll never hear your voice in real life again.  I really wish you were here now, and I’m sorry for never being around.  If I knew it would be like this I would have treasured every moment but you never know what you’ve got til its gone.  If only I knew I would have spent so much more time with you.  If I knew it would only be 6 months, a week, a minute, I would have been there.  I wish I had a chance to really say goodbye.  I mean look you in the eye and say goodbye to you.  There’s so much I didn’t get to say to you while you were awake and the last thing you remember me saying was probably something like… hey mom i’m leaving, see you tomorrow morning.  Some goodbye huh?  I want you to know how important you are to me, and how you probably don’t really know the full extent of it.  I didn’t tell you how much I loved you when you were alive, because i was embarassed or something, but if I knew… if i wasn’t so stupid I would have said it so much more.  You are my mother, my mom, and I love you up to the stars and beyond the beyond.  Remember how you used to say that to me when I was younger?  I still remember.  Also remember that story you used to tell us?  About the mother who had the son and she would always tell him “I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be” and then she got old and the son held her as she was dying and sad the same thing back to her except replacing baby with mom?  I said that to you today but you probably couldn’t hear me.  But its true, as long as I’m living I’ll love you and you’ll always be my mom.  I miss you so much right now.  The world outside seems like its moving so fast and I just want it to stop so I can just stop and take everything in.  I still haven’t accepted the fact that you’re gone.  I can’t.  It feels like a huge part of my soul has been ripped out.  it feels empty and strange, and I can’t get used to it.  I read something online today saying that your mom is like the sky.  She’s always there and when she dies, its like the sky falling down.  Something so inconceivable and earth shattering.  Its so true mom, I always took it for granted that you would always be around.  That you’d make it to my wedding and pick out my wedding dress, crying in the front row like I know you would.  Or you’d play with your grandchildren and spoil them so much.  These things I wanted for you, and its crazy and it hurts that you won’t be there.  I still feel like a child who needs her mom, and I don’t know how long this is going to last.  I miss you so much I don’t even know what to do with myself.  I’ve been playing a lot of dota… but you probably want me to study for my Lsats.  Don’t worry, I promise you I’ll get into a good law school so you can brag to all the other people up in heaven.  I know you’ll always be watching me and here with all of us and just know that you’ll always be in my heart, mind, and memories.  I’ve been trying to gather every memory I have of you and its scarey how fast they fade away.  I never want to forget you, who you were, who you are, everything about you.  Mom I love you, and I’ve asked God a thousand times today to give you back to us but I know it won’t happen.  Someday I’ll see you again, I just know it.  I don’t know what hurts more though, the fact that I might never get to see you again or that if I do, it will be an eternity before I do.  Waiting hurts, never hurts, just plain being without you hurts.  I just want to know that when I die you’ll be there, the first one to greet me and take me into your arms and hug me like you used to.  God I miss your big mom hugs and I wish I never tried to escape them.  I keep listening to these voicemail and I really need to stop.  it just hurts too much.  Ok mom I really need to go now.  I’ll keep  you updated on everything although you probably know first.  It isn’t goodbye right?  Please let it not be goodbye.  its see you later.  See you later mom, I miss you.

love,

Alex