My life is so fucking unfair.  Everything about it is one huge mistake.  I used to laugh and call it a “tragic comedy.”  Maybe the more life goes on, the more bitter I get.  Everything was a mistake from day 1.  Why couldn’t that woman just get an abortion?  I blame you for everything that has happened to me.  Everything I ever wanted you took away from me, and it probably didn’t cost you a thing.  Couldn’t you have paid the money to spare someone from a miserable life?  Its a summer thing.  Every summer I wonder what it would have been like if I wasn’t a malformed cultural aberration.  What it would have been like growing up “normal,” and what it would have been like to have a “family.”  And I can’t blame my parents now for your mistakes.  How could they know that in an act of kindness, that they wouldn’t be creating the family that they wanted.  Or I can’t blame them for the bitter alone feeling  - not having parents or siblings or relatives.  Or being a stranger to your own culture, or being an outcast in the culture you were raised in.  Did you even consider how hard growing up would be?  What if you knew that I had to lock my door every night so my sister wouldn’t hurt me.  What if you knew that I would have to call the police to get her away.  What if you knew all the abuse that went on, or how she kicked and punched my mom every day.  Or said those words, called her ugly when she got cancer, and made her depressed to cry every day.  How about getting called out of school to go to mental hospitals.  How about when my parents asked me to forgive her every day.  I still have voice messages from them begging me to call home, or to come home, or to talk to my sister- I couldn’t even stand to be in that house one second.  Or how about the fact that I never got to know my “parents” because I never was home, how they had to spend their whole lives making her feel better, appeasing that monster.  And now I”ll never have the opportunity to have a “mom” since that has expired.  How whiny am I today?  But its your fault, you ruined my life the day you just left me somewhere.  Didn’t you even care about that baby who you just abandoned?  If you didn’t care so much about it, why didn’t you just kill it, or have an abortion.  I think I could find forgiveness in my heart if I would have had a chance to meet you, but you made that impossible, didn’t you.  Were you so ashamed that you had to give a fake id number?  So embarassed?  Or maybe this is exactly what you wanted- to be unfindable.  You are so selfish.  You only thought about yourself in that moment, and not the life that was just seconds old.  Because you ran away didn’t you, and left that life not caring what happened to it.  What if that life ended up in an orphanage or living on the street? It blows my mind that you were so heartless just to leave right after giving birth.  Who are you? Can’t even look at what you created.  Well you won’t ever have to now.  Its impossible and can’t be taken back.  Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter.

And by not creating me, you would have saved me from a life of mistakes.  My uncreated form would have been so grateful to you.  Mistakes and I can only blame myself for these really, but it feels a lot better blaming you.  Now that college is at an end, and I plan on cutting ties with that institution, I can look back and wonder…why did all those things happen -_-.  How did I spend 2 years with someone when we were poison to each other?  How we got in each other’s heads and now suffer aftershocks…one year later?  I honestly hate you, and I don’t know how it went from them to now.  Was the pain from then not enough?  Do you have to bring more suffering to the present?  I still feel the sting from the back of your hand a year later.  Or mental anguish.  And then after that, I try to find a relationship that was better, more peaceful, or believe that “it gets better than this.”  Only to have another crazy bitch try to make my life miserable.  Your mom is a psycho.  I can’t believe all the crazy things she does or has said.  I know you said that I shouldn’t worry or pay any attention to it, that I’m not the one who has to deal with her, but just the sound of her voice makes my stomach hurt.  That night where she went crazy on me- you know there’s nothing scarier than cursing in that chinese accent.  Having her go psycho was the scariest thing i think i’ve ever seen..because its not like my sister, she’s a grown woman who i thought was going to strangle me or something.  What did I do to her?  I never did anything at all to her.  She doesn’t approve of me? Because I’m not some chinese fob?  Whatever, just another example of the stupid cultural genocide put onto my life. 

Too many other painful experiences. not enough time.  too much bitching.  I wish sometimes that I could open up my life and had a trusting friend who i could unload on.  But even my friends now… They always complain I don’t open up my emotions until I explode. 

what the fuck am i doing? AM I 14? IS THIS XANGA?  WOW JUST RE-READ EVERYTHING AND YEAH.  I SOUND LIKE A 14 YEAR OLD EMO KID.  NO THANKS.  But i’ve spent so much effort and time…….. ugh.  Maybe writing down your emotions and how you feel is better than unleashing your emo upon other people.  Or maybe its just exibitionist in general… well no more of this.  No more whine! GG.  LIFE IS GOOD.  BE HAPPY~