can’t wait to leave dc. can’t wait to get out of here. I regret going to gwu, what a waste of money. I regret meeting gwu people. I regret wasting my SAT score. I regret choosing to go to GMU to stay in the area. I should have just went to the ny schools I got accepted into. What was I thinking? What on earth is worth it to stay here?!
fucking undependable. thats what it is. can’t depend for anything. only causes trouble. for what benefit? no benefit. time to stop wasting time on things or people that don’t matter.
days like these remind me that growing older is a bitter experience. Only now can I appreciate the freedoms and the opportunities I had when I was younger. Back then, it seems like there were so many open doors. Every day I get older these doors are closing in terms of relationships, learning opportunities, and most importantly, in terms of my career. When you’re younger, you can’t imagine not being able to obtain any job..if you work hard you’ll succeed right? But when you’re out of college you realize the limitations…self imposed limitations. Why didn’t I work harder in college? or why didn’t I simply choose a correct major? I can’t believe that I have to make such difficult choices now in terms of my career after believing for so long that anything was achievable. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I was able to be a kid again. Seeing my dad today made me realize that I missed that comfort. That comfort that your parents will always be there for you and will make the right decision for you when you yourself can’t. The ability to shrug something off and think that your parents will take care of it. That’s immature of me and probably a flaw…I’m spoiled. Maybe I deluded myself into thinking that would last forever, or didn’t want to think about what happened after I gained the independence that I sought. And now when times are hard like this why do I want to turn to….
trying desperately to close one chapter of life in order to open up a new one. Why is there a slight delay on the pain
Life is a crazy up and down kind of sexy creature, and that’s the only good way I know how to describe it.
Letter to You.
Well, I’m sitting on a train going back to dc and I really have to just express - that now I think I’m beginning to hate you. You. have a hero complex. you. would like to believe that you’re innocent, that you’re a victim in these circumstances. But honestly? Everything that has happened to you, is your own god damn fault. You’d like to blame everyone around you. Most of all, me. But honestly? I feel a little bit manipulated by YOU. When I was at my lowest - instead of advising me to work out my issues, you took that opportunity of making you part of my life, didn’t you? When I was sad, weak, depressed, you just HAD to be the hero. And you’d say that you were doing it out of the selflessness of your heart. You were being a hero. But if you take a good look at yourself, you’d find more selfish reasons, I believe. Maybe I’m so bitter at you because you, to me, were a beacon of hope - or a reason to believe that there are greater things to live for, such as love, or promises of a better tomorrow. But in the end, that didn’t happen. Did it? You were like any other boy… actually no. I actually found you to be really IMMATURE. SELFISH. WHINY. NO FREAKING SENSE IN YOUR HEAD. The decisions you made actually are impossibly bad. I can’t believe you thought it was a good idea to sneak me around instead of introduce me to your family. How did that end up? With your mom flipping a shit on my face. And giving me a bad name in your family. Because YOU WERE TOO COWARDLY. Or the fact that you got too lazy to come down to DC to see me. How about the time you blamed ME for YOU forgetting that you had a 3 day weekend. I DIDN”T REMIND YOU. are you fucking kidding me? You are so immature. And so desperate to avoid any responsibility or blame. You try to put yourself out there as the innocent one, the victim. You bitch and whine to everyone - god damn - everyone. You can’t stand on your own two feet worth shit without bitching and whining - for what purpose. I literally gave you my entire life up until we broke up. How many thousands of dollars i spent visiting you - sometimes 2-3 weekends in a row? I admit, all of this isn’t your fault. I’m not the best girlfriend. And i know that med school is a hefty work load. But at the end. the very end where you say, oh yeah I have to shape up. meaning… oh you could’ve visited me this whole time, but were just too lazy to. THAT MAKES IT ALL WORSE. You get mad at me for breaking up with you so quickly, and cleanly. Just walking away. But what did you want. Something drawn out and painful? Or did you want me to stay with you, miserable, for your benefit? You got me to leave my ex boyfriend - and I’ve been suffering the consequences from that ever since - and now you can’t take your own medicine? Pathetic. Please. Get a hold of yourself. THese days I really just don’t have the patience for people like you. People who say something, but really - no. Its all talk.
well when you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up. You asked me waht I was doing this weekend. Really. Like I’d tell you? I can’t depend on you anymore, so I have to depend on someone else. After the whole shit of the last month and a half. Sorry, I’m not going to sacrifice myself for you now - now that we don’t actually have anything. Especially since you didn’t sacrifice yourself for me then. FUCK YOU. You act like I kept you around me - don’t you think it takes two to tango? The fact that I was unhappy in my relationship and you just happened to be there - was it me who tempted you? Or you who tempted me? think about you asshole. I fucking hate you, especially because you play the innocent victim. Especially because I know you’re not. I know I’m a terrible person. I know I don’t deserve many things. I’m not a hero, I’m a villain. But really - you’re no saint. Stop acting like one. Im going to get mine. I hope you get yours.
Reading people’s tumblrs makes me feel like a stalker O_O. Its interesting the way people cope with things or express their emotions. Some of them express them well, write well. >< I wish I could write well. Some people express themselves in very public ways. I think tumblr is a very exhibitionist medium for expressing yourself, however. I’ve always thought that diaries are supposed to be private things, things you hide under your bed or behind a brick in your wall. Blogging is different… Well here I am on a “blog” however, expressing my emotions ><. Ew. Emotions. Private blog for me. With a public name T_T. Well I don’t feel like transferring all my shit. I’m like this too.. something else that I hate - oh well - that people think they are the center of other people’s universe. Then they feel the need to express their emotions about this publicly. Please. Keep it to yourself. I think tumblr is just a very selfish and self centered way of expressing yourself. Like status messages, away messages, etc. You talk about yourself, want people to read about you, whatever. Keep it in. Keep it all in. Some things are ok. Its when you start seeking the attention that it gets annoying. Expressing your emotions is one thing, expressing them dramatically is another. OHWELL.
Anyway. What made me sign onto tumblr was something I read about loss and coping with death. How some people can find peace with the death of a loved one, while other people remain bitter about the past and can’t find reconciliation with themselves. I fall into the latter category. But I’m just bitter about everything anyway. Its been almost 3 years now that you’ve passed mom. I just don’t think about it. It makes me bitter that we were robbed of everything. Mother’s day just passed. Looking back to previous blog entries…I haven’t lived up to all my promises to you. I’m still getting into trouble and doing things that would not make you proud. That’s something I’ll have to live with. But really, I wish we had time when you were on this earth to form some kind of bond or relationship. I’m bitter at victoria who took away all the time that was meant for mother and daughter… I wish I didn’t distance myself from you when times were hard. I was a terrible daughter. We clashed on victoria’s upbringing, and I’m sorry I’m so stubborn. I’m just sad, more bitter as I grow older, that we never had this time. THe time where I’m an adult and we can sit and talk about grown up things. About what its like getting a job, what its like getting a home, being on your own, marriage, dating, etc. So many times I’ve thought to myself, this is when I would talk to my mom. This is somethign I would talk to my mom about. I’m being selfish. I know you’re in a better place. I’m not religious or anything, but seriously I think death is better than here. I know that the last years of your life were hell. Its something me and dad can’t truly forgive victoria for. But we know we should. I’m beginning to forget what it was like to have a mom. Looking at people, envious of their relationships. I’m sorry for being terrible daughter. i’m even more sorry for not forming these bonds when I should have. don’t put off tomorrow what you could today. Tell everyone you love them because you don’t know if you’ll see them later.
Drunk and annoying.
anxiety attack. Or something. I think I literally hate myself. These periods of self loathing are getting more and more frequent. Or maybe there’s just more to loath recently. I don’t understand why I’m such a fuck up. I ruin everything around me with me. or I taint everything I touch. I’m just a fuck up. I’m a fuck up. I’m a fuck up. And everything is terrible forever. What I want from life is to be happy, to be stable, to be constant, to have fun? But fun for me is chaotic, unstable, shit. I can’t control myself. With my bad habits, with my addictions, with my urges, or my emotions. The way I feel about things constantly changes. I’m fickle. I’m moody. I’m emotional. I get attached quickly and then the next day those feelings won’t be there anymore. I get distracted. These are all qualities I hate about myself, they are potentially life ruining. Well no, not potentially. I have ruined so many things for myself with this. When I say I need someone to take care of me, what I need is someone to control me. To be my conscience because I don’t think I have one, or its voice is drowned out by my urges or impulses. I embarrass myself. EVERY DAY. I DO. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. All the things I hate in other people are also in myself. I”M EMBARASSING. I don’t understand why I CANT KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL. I don’t want to be around other people when… xyz. I don’t think people want to be around me either. I Don’t want to be around me. I don’t want to be around me. And it makes me sick that I have to be. I may dislike a great number of people, but i’ll always hate myself the most. what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be a good person? Why don’t I have the qualities that I admire in other people? Why wasn’t I born that way, why despite my efforts do I act the way I do. Self control seems to be the answer to ALL of my problems. But I just don’t have it. Catch-22. How do you control yourself when you have no control. More than just embarassing myself, I hurt other people. I*’ve tried to be better about that. Cut the people I care about out of my life so that I don’t harm them. Rich, I know that I would hurt you if we continued this relationship. So I cut you out. I’m sorry, but it was for your own good. I can’t just keep ruining you. With your entire life, how yo’ve alwways gotten a bad deal, I just can’t keep messing things up for you. With x, i’m sorry I can’t even type your name because of the shame. Maybe in a different time, or a different place, no, never. Can’t. I’m sorry for feeling the way I do. don’t enable me to. Because I can’t help myself. With every other person in my life, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just don’t want me to do this. I’m bad. I’m a bad person. I can’t help it. No excuses. No worries. just cut me out too. I’ll dissapear. I wish i had the courage to disappaer. Or the self control to just leave. To go. To stop. I wish I cold make it all stop. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I Can’t. Someone told me to write this shit out, it’ll make you feel better. Does it? At least it keeps the anxiety under control. At least I’m typing with my hands instead of other things. Self harm for me is a punishment. I deserve to feel pain. And it serves as a reminder to me of my mortality. Scars remind me of my mistakes, with the hopes that I won’t make the same ones. Too bad. That doesn’t seem to work. whats wrong with me. Why was I born. I wish I wasn’t born.
My life is so fucking unfair. Everything about it is one huge mistake. I used to laugh and call it a “tragic comedy.” Maybe the more life goes on, the more bitter I get. Everything was a mistake from day 1. Why couldn’t that woman just get an abortion? I blame you for everything that has happened to me. Everything I ever wanted you took away from me, and it probably didn’t cost you a thing. Couldn’t you have paid the money to spare someone from a miserable life? Its a summer thing. Every summer I wonder what it would have been like if I wasn’t a malformed cultural aberration. What it would have been like growing up “normal,” and what it would have been like to have a “family.” And I can’t blame my parents now for your mistakes. How could they know that in an act of kindness, that they wouldn’t be creating the family that they wanted. Or I can’t blame them for the bitter alone feeling - not having parents or siblings or relatives. Or being a stranger to your own culture, or being an outcast in the culture you were raised in. Did you even consider how hard growing up would be? What if you knew that I had to lock my door every night so my sister wouldn’t hurt me. What if you knew that I would have to call the police to get her away. What if you knew all the abuse that went on, or how she kicked and punched my mom every day. Or said those words, called her ugly when she got cancer, and made her depressed to cry every day. How about getting called out of school to go to mental hospitals. How about when my parents asked me to forgive her every day. I still have voice messages from them begging me to call home, or to come home, or to talk to my sister- I couldn’t even stand to be in that house one second. Or how about the fact that I never got to know my “parents” because I never was home, how they had to spend their whole lives making her feel better, appeasing that monster. And now I”ll never have the opportunity to have a “mom” since that has expired. How whiny am I today? But its your fault, you ruined my life the day you just left me somewhere. Didn’t you even care about that baby who you just abandoned? If you didn’t care so much about it, why didn’t you just kill it, or have an abortion. I think I could find forgiveness in my heart if I would have had a chance to meet you, but you made that impossible, didn’t you. Were you so ashamed that you had to give a fake id number? So embarassed? Or maybe this is exactly what you wanted- to be unfindable. You are so selfish. You only thought about yourself in that moment, and not the life that was just seconds old. Because you ran away didn’t you, and left that life not caring what happened to it. What if that life ended up in an orphanage or living on the street? It blows my mind that you were so heartless just to leave right after giving birth. Who are you? Can’t even look at what you created. Well you won’t ever have to now. Its impossible and can’t be taken back. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter.
And by not creating me, you would have saved me from a life of mistakes. My uncreated form would have been so grateful to you. Mistakes and I can only blame myself for these really, but it feels a lot better blaming you. Now that college is at an end, and I plan on cutting ties with that institution, I can look back and wonder…why did all those things happen -_-. How did I spend 2 years with someone when we were poison to each other? How we got in each other’s heads and now suffer aftershocks…one year later? I honestly hate you, and I don’t know how it went from them to now. Was the pain from then not enough? Do you have to bring more suffering to the present? I still feel the sting from the back of your hand a year later. Or mental anguish. And then after that, I try to find a relationship that was better, more peaceful, or believe that “it gets better than this.” Only to have another crazy bitch try to make my life miserable. Your mom is a psycho. I can’t believe all the crazy things she does or has said. I know you said that I shouldn’t worry or pay any attention to it, that I’m not the one who has to deal with her, but just the sound of her voice makes my stomach hurt. That night where she went crazy on me- you know there’s nothing scarier than cursing in that chinese accent. Having her go psycho was the scariest thing i think i’ve ever seen..because its not like my sister, she’s a grown woman who i thought was going to strangle me or something. What did I do to her? I never did anything at all to her. She doesn’t approve of me? Because I’m not some chinese fob? Whatever, just another example of the stupid cultural genocide put onto my life.
Too many other painful experiences. not enough time. too much bitching. I wish sometimes that I could open up my life and had a trusting friend who i could unload on. But even my friends now… They always complain I don’t open up my emotions until I explode.
what the fuck am i doing? AM I 14? IS THIS XANGA? WOW JUST RE-READ EVERYTHING AND YEAH. I SOUND LIKE A 14 YEAR OLD EMO KID. NO THANKS. But i’ve spent so much effort and time…….. ugh. Maybe writing down your emotions and how you feel is better than unleashing your emo upon other people. Or maybe its just exibitionist in general… well no more of this. No more whine! GG. LIFE IS GOOD. BE HAPPY~
